good to give myself an idea of what to shoot for.)

Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit=60

Lunch: diet soda, apple=60-80 OR 1 slice bread=100

Dinner: carrots=40, lettuce=50

Maybe then I can pull the "I'm not feeling too well" thing, go to bed early, go to school on Friday, then leave at lunch to avoid Spanish presentation. Yes. Excellent plan.

Lord, my life is like a script. What happens if I forget my lines?

I felt quite dizzy several times today, especially if I moved my head too fast of tilted it back, then back up.  It was...nice, in a way.

It's occurring to me that if my goals continue to be met, talking to N about this could get me in a lot of trouble.  Thus far she hasn't asked about caloric intake or anything, but...god, I don't know what to do if she ever does.  The thing is, this is all fine and dandy right now, but what happens if I binge? It may "feel different" this time around, but who's to say it is?

I'm scared of food's impact on my body, scared of losing control of this. If makes it so I have something to do when tired of listening to Mrs. P; counting is what I do naturally, so counting calories relaxes me, especially when there aren't many to count.  Then I just repeat.  It helps, somehow. What I'm scared of now is that I forgot something. 170 seems like veeeery few, what if I missed something?  Just to be safe, I counted each bite of the pesto roll as 10 cals, but what if it was 20? Ick, I'm feeling sick-hungry, I'm going to sleep.

[26 February 04]

Well, today was...interesting, to say the least.  When I woke up I felt really bad--dizzy, headachy, WEAK.  I knew if I didn't eat something for breakfast I'd be unable to get through school.  I had 1/2 grapefruit and the top piece of a corn muffin.  Then I had half a slice of sourdough break with butter and cinn-sugar.

Then I went to school, still feeling a bit off.  I sat in N's office before the bell, to be able to just be somewhere quiet, and vaguely studied biology vocab for a little.

Then when the 5-min bell ran, she asked where I was going.  I said my class, and she said she was going that way and would walk with me. She said it was nice out when we were crossing commons and I said, "Yeah, and I can breathe out here."  She said, "You can't breathe, either? What's wrong?" kind of sharply.  I beat around the bush a little, then said it was probably that I hadn't eaten enough the day before.  She said, "You need to start taking care of yourself or you and your mom and I will need to sit down and have a chat together." I don't remember if I said anything or not back.  The we were at the stairs and she squeezed my shoulder and walked away.

In class, I got really nauseated, and the teacher let me go. Went straight to the bathroom and threw up...after going from one stall to the other, lol.

I walked upstairs into the center; not sure why I didn't go to the attendance office on the next floor; and mumbled something about being sick to N. She told me to call her mom form her phone, said she wanted to hear what I would say to her.  Couldn't get in touch with anyone, so she took me to the nurse's office.  I laid down on the bed and she laid a blanket over me.  (orange wool, reminded me of the 70s)  N drove me home.

Didn't know whether to include the cal count for breakfast too, lol, since it's gone now, but with it's 750 and without it's 600.  Hey, what can I say.  I had to eat soup and stuff...*sigh*

I am a failure.

[27 February 04]

I feel so weird, dizzy-like, but...different, I'm not sure why. It's like there's a halo of dizziness around my head, but not in my head.  Like...it's hard to walk in a straight line, as if I'm drunk or something.

[01 March 04]

Shit, eating lunch sucks. Now I've already exceeded today's calorie limit, my stomach is sticking out, and I have to go to ballet looking fat.  Is there anything good about it?

It's not like I could have just kept N's money. I guess I could have refused it, but I didn't get the feeling it would be a good idea.

Plus, I'm trying to have positive thoughts, yes? Yes. Because it would be better to feel comfortable in my body than constantly trying to change it. Right? Right. Because I'm smarter than that.

Wow, check out all that positive self-talk. It's sickening me, lol.

I haven't weighed myself in days, but it's not because I'm "resisting the pull," it's because I'm scared of what it'll say. I've been eating all this CRAP and it's making me look and feel bad.

I just feel hopeless and helpless abou tit; if I don't start being better to myself they'll call my mom, but if I do, I'll fall apart.

[02 March 04]

I ate lunch today. Sucks. A lot. My stomach...I don't even want to see it, it's so fat and disgusting.

N says I have to force myself to eat, and force myself to eat healthily. She makes it sound simple, as if somehow that will fix thimgs. I CAN'T LOSE WEIGHT LIKE THAT. I felt so much better when I wasn't eating. Wait, so why was I in with a shrink so often? I weighed myself 24/7 and wasted a lot of time worrying about it...hah. I'm talking about it as if it were years ago, not last week.

[03 March 04]

Shitshitshit. 1 pc toast, 1 HUGE muffin, one small scone. I am living on fattening carbohydrates. My body is becoming...ugh. A balloon.

[22 March 04]

N said, "You just have to make the decision to change it." That's what's making me think I need to stop going to see her so much; I tihnk she may be under the impression that if I just try hard enough, this will go away. To a certain extent, that's true. However, I think the problem's a bit more deep-rooted than that in my mind. It's hard to change the way you think. (Wow, too many emphases in that sentence.) It's easy, right now, for me to slip back into eating *somewhat* normally. But the mentality remains.